For the entire story (Chapter 1-20) please click the Please Don’t Say You Love Me tab above. Thank you
I am no super human, I’m just me. I’ve spent my life just being myself, finding it too difficult to please the rest of the world.
I stopped believing that time exists, I trapped myself within the walls of today. I guess I forgot that no one promised me a tomorrow. Happy in my bubble I avoided falling in love as the last time I realized I wasn’t.
Dean was simply breathtaking- he was talented, he taught me how to take photographs and how to find beauty in places the eyes couldn’t see. I thought I loved Dean, but really I just loved the idea of a Dean. When Dean was given a project to photograph the lives of the Haitians he hesitated as he feared leaving me, but I wanted him to go.
Not just for him, but because I knew we weren’t gonna last. Dean was just a chapter of my life- a chapter designated in teaching me the true meaning of life. I loved Dean, but I was never in love with Dean, because I knew that I could live without him.
but this time I can’t pursue him, him as in the new chapter in my life.
I spent my whole life being healthy, doing my best to be strong and facing every adversity for a better tomorrow.
Now I won’t have a tomorrow, dear diary this is my biggest secret
one only shared between you and I.
I have cancer, in specific pancreatic cancer.
It spreads rapidly, and there was never a method for early detection. With how late I found out plus the damage my body has taken my chance of survival is 10%, but I brought it down to 0.
I’m not undergoing any treatment.
I don’t want to die as a mess of tubes, I want to die happily.
Near the ocean with wet sand at my feet and a ray of sunlight cascading down my body. I want to die feeling whole, not empty.
There’s this warm feeling at the sound of his voice, a light blush at the feel of his gaze, but a fallen tear at the knowledge that I can’t have this. I can’t have him, but it’s for the best- avoiding this feeling is for the best.
I put away my diary, tucked away beneath my mattress. I sigh as I fold the medical papers and place them beneath my pillow.
I’m dying- how do I let them know?
Do I wait until my body is delivered to the morgue and phone calls are made, or do I tell them at dinner and ruin their happy lives?
There are many things I want to be in life, but a burden isn’t one of them.
I’m not a crier, nor am I weak- but I am scared. Not scared of death, but scared of the consequences of my death. I’m scared because I have less than a year to try and live out my dreams.
When my parents passed away I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. There were no noises around me, I refused to hear anyone- afraid to forget the sound of my fathers laugh or my mothers voice when she sings me to sleep. I didn’t leave my home- afraid of new memories replacing old ones. I wanted to remember my mothers smile and my fathers eyes. My world stopped turning, there was no day and night, just endless misery. I felt dead on the inside, and it took years to move on. They’re the ones who passed, but the ones who loved them suffered.
That day I told myself to never fall in love, and that day I stopped believing in love. I promised myself I would never fall in love and I intend on keeping that promise as I don’t want another life to die alongside mine.
As I glanced over to the clock I realized the time- it was 3am.
Knowing that I would regret this I decided to run- not run away from my problems-, but run away from the confrontation. I’d rather them see me as a horrible person, than suffer because they loved me.
I grabbed as much as I could fit into a carry-on suitcase and I snuck out. Prior to leaving I grabbed some stationary and began writing.
Dear Axel and Willow,
I can’t be here any longer- I apologize for all the trouble I’ve caused you two, but there is something very important for me to do. I won’t be coming back and I can’t stay here any longer. You both have and will always be a part of my family, but I am no longer the same person you have always known. I know you both will go far and in one way or another I will always be with you. I know this is unexpected and you are both surprised but this decision is for the best. Not only for me but for you all as well. We won’t meet again, and I can’t express my gratitude for all you have done for me. I love you both very much.
I grabbed a cab and went to the airport. As I stood and stared at the airport sign I thought of everything I wanted to do. Every country I wanted to visit and everything I wanted to experience, but before all that I had to go see someone- someone very special.
I turned around and walked to the closest car rental- I rented a red mini cooper and began driving. At the first gas station there was a pawn shop, so I decided to do something I have always wanted. I erased my phone and sold it. It sold for $300. In my last few months of life I want to be in total isolation from the rest of the world- no news, no people, no social media.
I just want to be one with the earth- be one with myself.
I continued driving all night and through the the morning.
10 hours later I was there…standing outside the house of the only person who ever truly knew me-
someone who I love more than words can describe.
I drove to see my big brother and his family, I’m going to see Xavier Jules for possibly the last time…