I finally hit send on the keyboard. I took a sigh of relief, content that all the paperwork for the gala had been completed. For weeks the plans kept getting delayed, the designers and caterers were not seeing eye to eye. Whatever the case was, all of our company’s work is done.
I close my eyes resting my head against the top of the chair.
I wonder what Adeline would wear to the gala.
Something simple, but elegant.
Maybe something blue, no not blue. Something black? – no way, black is too dark for someone filled with so much light. I hope she wears something red, that’s her colour. Red says bold, confident and most importantly it exemplifies her presence. Adeline is here, and she is not going anywhere.
I sat in the living room. Patiently waiting for my brother. My niece and nephew were at daycare and wouldn’t be back until later that day, and my brother was at work.
My sister in law let me in, she was home- and when I asked her why she told me she had a doctors appointment, I asked if she was okay and it turns out shes perfect-
How am I supposed to tell my big brother that I’m dieing, when he should be excited for the new light coming his way. He’s going to have another baby.
I’m going to be an aunt again- an aunt to a little one who I’ll never see- who I’ll never know.
I’m very close to my niece and nephew, I’m both of their godmothers and I babysit them all the time, I was there when they were born and now unfortunately I won’t get to see them grow up. I won’t get to see them be the amazing people I know them to be.
Sean- He’s four. He has brown curly hair and big brown eyes. He’s a trouble maker, but has a big heart. Every Halloween I take him trick or treating and when he comes home he puts his candy into a number of piles- one for each friend who couldn’t go trick or treating.
Maya- She’s two. The sassiest girl in the world- her personality is 10 times her size, she’s loud and funny and never leaves her brothers side. Her quirky personality always makes people laugh- it’s funny when you get served by a 2 year old.
I walk around the house, soaking in every moment from every picture- keeping in heart every memory and every emotion that’s encased in each photo. There’s a photo of me and my brother from my 4th birthday party- he’s smashing my hello kitty cake into my face. I laugh to myself as a tear goes down my face.
My sister in law- Amara- wipes my tear.
“I wish I was clueless to why you’re crying” she says.
“What do you mean?” I say.
She pulls out my diagnosis documentation, me eyes widen.
“You should really hide things better” she says.
“I thought the bottom of my bag was a good place” I say.
“Since when do we lie to family?” She says, a tear escaping her eye.
“Since when do we die on family?” I say, my voice scratching as the reality of my life flashes before my eyes. I’ve always wanted to make my family proud, wanting to be able to support them along the way and now I’ll be just a mere memory- one that fills them with remorse.
Amara hugs me tightly, the papers falling to the floor.
“I can’t tell him” I whisper.
“You have to” She says.
“You have a baby on the way, these next 7 months should be exciting and filled with impatience and joy, not the tension of when I’ll drop dead” I say.
“One loved one lost, and another gained. I don’t want to loose you- not now not ever, but you’re a grown up and I can understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. I support you, I want you to rest happy and fulfilled, however you can’t expect me to stay strong all the time. None of us can stay strong all the time- not when it comes to you. You are just like my sister- and I can’t bear the thought of loosing you, but I also can’t imagine forcing you to live a life you don’t want.” She says.
“I’m sorry” is all I can mumble.
“I love you Ady, I would just love it if you were rewarded for all the good you do” She says.
“I have been . I have you and Xavier, and your family” I say.
‘However, I can’t let my news ruin the news you have. I have already gotten my shot- now it’s your turn.” I say.
“I know your plans- you’re running away after this. You’re going to go hide in every corner of the world. You can’t just keep running from the scary stuff in life- you have to face it. No matter how hard you try Ember you can’t help everyone- it’s not the way the world works.” She says.
I walk away and face the window. Rain begins to fall.
It hits the glass fast, and slowly slides down into a puddle on the window sill. I can see myself in the rain- a face that I’m not familiar with- not anymore.
“When we lost mom and dad he held me together. I can’t bear the fact that my death will shake him like this.” I say.
“He raised you- he got to see what an amazing woman you turned out to be, that’s more than most get in a lifetime. He’ll understand that.” She says.
Just as Amara finishes in comes my family.
Maya and Sean grab my legs and start giggling. Xavier comes in holding their little backpacks- scolding them for running inside as they could fall. When he looks up and sees me- his face breaks out into the most beautiful smile.
“Hey big brother” I say, tilting my head slightly.
He wraps me in a big bear hug and I hug back just as tight.
“I missed you” He mutters.
“Not more than I missed you” I whisper.
In that moment I felt safe- like there was no problem. The world stopped and everything was perfect, I was with the people I loved and I was happy. I wasn’t ready for the world to come crashing down. Every story has a the end and I just didn’t expect mine to be so soon. The funny part is I haven’t even gotten to the hard part- breaking the news.
We pulled out of the hug and my niece and nephew wrapped their little arms around my neck. I closed my eyes and just relished in the moment. tears slipping down my eyes.
Then Xavier asked the million dollar question,
“Ady what’s wrong?”